Getting Ends to Meet

Each time I turn on the TV there seems to be some story about how people have lost their jobs or have been forced to downsize from a super large home to a modest condo. Not long ago one of my viewers told me how her husband had lost his job and how much it took to run the home and live the way they do. She was actually sending me a message complaining that she would have to manage on less then 5 thousand per month.
I hear stories all the time from people on the edge of homelessness and how things are just not lining up for them, no matter how how they try, things just keep getting worse and there never seems to be any concern or help for them. Now I know this story all too well and today this is what I want to blog about.
I use to have this one person in my life who like me is HIV positive, but has no real clue about how life really is because he has the luxury of having a boyfriend who pays for everything while he sits home and plays house. He would always tell me “you should do….” and when I asked him how I would pay for it, he would reply “just save some money, it can’t be that hard”
It’s almost been a year since I moved into my apartment and I know manypeople think I am doing very well and that homelessness is not something I think about. This could not be further from the truth, there isn’t a day that goes by that homelessness is not a real reality for me. Furthermore there isn’t a month that goes by that I don’t wonder if I will have enough money to pay my rent and bills.
GET A JOB!!!
Since moving into this apartment I have been on 67 job interviews and 50 of those interviews turned me down for employment. The rest never bothered to get back to me, even after contacting them to ask about their decision.
Finding a job has been a major priority for me and the main reason is because I do not want to be dependent on the very little money I get from General Relief (GR) which is only $221.00 per month. Many times even after doing all that I am required to do in order to keep this money, it is often two to three days late. Moreover the $221.00 does not cover the very basic bills I have after I pay my rent, so each month I have to skip paying bills and allow them to go into disconnect status. Right before they are turned off I then call for an extension.
I do not live beyond my means, other then my internet connection I do not have any extras, no cable, no dinners out unless my friends invite me, no new clothes or used clothes for that matter and many times each month I wash the clothes that I do have in the kitchen sink and then allow them drip dry.
Each month I try my best to at least have my rent, so I will have a place to stay, but even that can be hard to do, because I might have to get on the bus to go tot he doctor or on an interview, so saving money to try to be ahead is just not an option, because there is simply nothing to save. Homelessness, eating from trash cans is something I think of often
Last month from recycling is was able to get $30 and this money was spent the very same day I got it on late bills and food for Dodger. In fact it has been the little I am able to recycle that helps me almost get my ends to even look at each other. If you miss what I am saying, then let me make it very clear, my ends never meet, so I do all I can to make them at least look at each other.
It’s been about two or maybe even three months since I have paid my share of the cell phone bill. Each month I have intention to pay, but each month keeping a roof over my head comes first and each month I feel so bad for not being able to carry my own weight. I feel bad when my friends call me to ask me out and I say “no” because I don’t want them to always have to pay for me. Even though I know if they could not afford to pay for me they would not invite me.
Today is the second of the month, my rent is due and all my bills are in disconnect status, so I was really depending on my GR this month. However today when I got up to check the balance on my EBT card I find that there is no cash on the card, so I had to go downstairs to explain this to my manager. She was very kind and told me to pay it as soon as I can and try not to go beyond the grace period so I am not charged a late fee and have it go into my record as paying my rent late. Having to pay a late fee would mean that something is not going to get paid at all this month.
I know the drill very well with DPSS, I will call at 11:00AM, get a busy signal for about 20 minutes before reaching my worker and then be told one of two things “I am sorry Mr. Carr we made a mistake and your benefits will be fixed in two days” If I say “My rent and bills are due now” the reply will be “I know and I am sorry.” or I will be told “I mailed you an appointment to come see me” this is the one that gets to me the most. I never fail to mail in anything they send me or when I get a letter to call my worker I always call. In fact many times I call her to remind her that we are supposed to meet or talk, but whenever my benefits have been stopped many times this is the answer, even though I never miss anything that does not cause my benefits to be stopped. Why would I miss the single most important thing.
I know you might be asking “why not call now” and the answer is I cant because each worker has phone hours and they will not take calls until phone hours. If you can not reach them during this time then you have to keep trying until you reach them. Now you might be asking “why not go down to the office” and the answer to that is you cant simply show up to see your worker without an appointment, even when there is a huge problem such as this. You must speak to your worker to resolve the issue.
This is why for me it is so important to find a job because I don’t want anyone to have this much control over how things will turn out for me. I certainly don’t want to end up back on the streets because someone did not do their job which caused everything to fall apart for me.
Here is the reality for me, all I need is for this (GR) not to get fixed and I could not have a place to stay, which would cause problems for me keeping medical appointments for my HIV, which could cause me to stress far more then I already do which could cause my body to begin to not do a great job defending me against HIV and then I will be starting HIV meds.
I wish I had it as good as people who are forced to live on less then 5 thousand a month, I wish I could simply downsize to a modest condo. I wish I had boyfriend that I would fall back on in times like this, but I don’t have any of this. What I do have is my faith and belief that everything will work out, even if that means going through homelessness again, what I do have is strong sense of who I am and what I am able to deal with, what I do have is the will to keep pressing forward no matter how hard things get for me.
I know many people look at me and see what I have been through and say “no more storm” but while the “down pour” in my life is over, the storm clouds are still looming and from time to time they open up to remind me that they are still very much present. I guess what so many people and many so called access centers, missions, shelters and other places that are supposed to help fail to see and fully understand is the fact that “housing” does not mean homelessness is over and “housing” does not mean that helping that formerly homeless person is over. In many ways the work has just begun.
I’ve never been one to simply wait and allow case managers or agencies to make things happen for me, I’ve always made them happen for myself and each month I try very hard to make things happen for me, work hard to turn things around for me, because at the end of the day, when it is all said and done all I have is me, the only person I can take care of is me. The fact that I am in this apartment is because I demanded to be put on the waiting list and refused to take “the waiting list is full” for an answer. The fact that I now have a HIV doctor that I fully trust and a HIV care team that I fully trust is because I refused to simply allow people to tell me that “Skid Row was my only option” or that I should “keep my mouth shut because people who ask who does he think he is.”
This country seems to care more about bailing out Wall Street, big business, banks and the wealthy, but people like me are considered worthless and not worthy of help. I know our leaders talk a good game, but at the end of the day they go home and sleep very well and don’t give a second thought to people like me.
10:40AM
I was able to find out that my worker is not in today and was told that I need to call her on Friday. I explained to the lady that there are no benefits on my card and I was not made away of any changes. She then told me this, “Mr. Carr your HIV was a temporary condition and has expired. Your benefits have been terminated”